A Song for You, pt. II

I have a longstanding hypothesis about relationships-- some of you may have heard this before-- that no matter how much two people like each other, there's always one person who likes the other a little bit more. It's not original thinking, nor is it probably a revelation to any of you, but the theory goes that whoever likes the other person more is inevitably the one that gets dumped.

(It's just another of my idiot-proof dating theories kind of like the one I have about knowing when people like you: when someone's into you, they don't make excuses about not being able to hang out; they find a way to make it happen. Add booze, stir, simmer, voila. Your gut is never wrong, folks. Trust it.)

(p.s., Here's another for the road: if you know they like you-- you can tell-- then they are the one that's more into you. If you find yourself asking your friends to interpret mixed signals, you are more into them. Sorry. The more you know!)

Anyway, in that line of thinking-- about who likes who more-- the people who write songs are inevitably the kind of people who always like the other person more.

Think about it. Which set of these generic lyrics I just made up right now would you think are more common?

I've been thinking about you

Wondering how you've been

Don't want to see you with that other man

I want to see you again

Or:

That girl from the coffee shop is kinda cute

I dunno though

I'm not sure I'm feeling it

She's been calling a lot

I think I'm gonna go nail my ex

Exactly.

Of course, the most astounding thing is how cool musicians are in this country when the vast body of their work consists of the kind of clingy sentiments that drive a normal person's significant others away.

For instance, let's say you're trying to win someone over. Pragmatically speaking, what's the best way to do it-- telling them how you feel? Hell no! That's romantic suicide and you know it. Every single one of your friends will tell you to pretend like you're not interested. You have to run away a little bit, not write love songs, you dork.

Think about this: for every awesome love song you know, there is a person out there that that song was written for, and they wish their creepy guitar-player ex would just stop calling them. Bon Jovi, you're eating up all her texts.

If there's an exception to the rule, it's that rappers maybe seem like they're not all that sentimental-- they're too busy tappin' dat ass, I guess-- but I think they're actually dating geniuses. Rappers feel pain like everyone else. But what better way to drive up their stock with the ladies and get revenge on the woman who toyed with their hearts than to brag over national radio about all the hotties that are climbing all over them at the club? Brilliant.

Anyway, I guess there's something to be said for music in that it can turn the inherently uncool into Al Green's "Let's Stay Together."