Yes, this is the joke of life, the big one: you’re not always fully alive, just like poems and paintings are not always beautiful, the bars not always full, friends not always in touch. When you go climbing out of your bedroom Rachmaninov is not always there, kneading aloft to the sunrise, cartwheeling round with the beat.
Sometimes you’re tired. Sometimes, yes, you’re not at you’re best, you’ve had a little to drink—not too much—but yes, you’re chasing taillights in the distance loping down an abandoned rural highway, barely feeling, barely existing, the headlights like guiding themselves through every gentle curve. The radio is on but you don’t hear it this time, you’re not drunk, still, drunk driving is wrong, and yet at this moment you are morally impregnable in the worst possible way, as if you find it simply hard to believe there’s a law or a court in the country that would even find you human.
There are extraordinary periods of time where we simply cease to be... alive. And yet there we are.
This is the big joke. The big laugh. We are never completely complete.
So there’s a worry about writing too much down in the spirit of documentation, preservation. The problem is this: memory must be protected against memory, its family of happenstance stacking atop itself like an endless accumulation of Harvard Classics whose weight slowly converts the volumes beneath into a voluble fossil fuel, leaving only a firm word there and a moment here uncorrupted: love. fear. the view off the family veranda. It’s carrying a roadmap to a foreign city folded and refolded over itself endlessly. Street names dissolving in the bleach of the creases. Entire blocks collapsing into the widening holes where folds collide. And yet even after writing you’ve lost the city of your visit, having counted on your map to remember for you. The only thing left a shadow of a reflection. The memory of a name like faded graffiti. The signified already laughing in the furnace, facelessly warming the rest of your life for the rest of your life.
And then it happens. A January afternoon, trees casually bleak, the sun strong enough to run the A/C in the car, I was thinking about an old girlfriend on this day #243 of living in the city everyone leaves, a rolling treeline, a line of schools, and then a burst, suddenly, of Cuban music—sax and guitar and trombone and, now I don’t believe in a god but if I did I’d be on hands and knees thanking him for the radio, the closest thing to magic I’ll get in this life, bop bop bop badop-bah, in school we fancied ourselves young Kerouacs Kerouacking all about the place, very hard to write this, of course, but we are now only part-time astonishments, throwing up our hands in our suburbs and saying “it ain’t me, man” as if this would send us flipping over the handlebars of our day jobs...
And then it’s gone.
There’s a problem inherent with having a personal philosophy: reason demands perfect attendance. And we can’t deliver. The atoms of the universe tremble and collide in the absence of consent as well as its presence. When you drive on the highway and miraculously find a way to somehow lose all agency, your body still finds the way home whether you’re asking it to or not. Words on a page exist whether you understand them the first time or the third time or never at all.
As if we exist as this nebulous mass of feeling and understanding and remembering, existence taking shape at random, interacting with the world with chaos-levels of coherency and interest and diplomacy. A perfect imperfection.
Almost sounds like a novel.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
The last great courtroom of desire
Chicago, late summer. I thought I’d go to watch the money race out of my wallet. (What an economical oddity this city is: everything costs twenty dollars when it comes with a beer.) Cermak, Quincy, Divison, and the blithe bohemia of Wicker blight—and yet—Chicago’s a gas, but you just can’t quit the air that breathes you.
I sat alone in a park as the sun nosed below a row of brownstones, throwing everything in progressive layers of night, the immediately local activity now cloaked in mere suggestion. Nearby, someone playing Frisbee in a geyser of affable obscenities. Five murmuring babushkas on the bench next to me, a Polish gaggle of dowagers and spinsters helping busy up the fountain square, their collaboration lasting well after dark. The water giggling. History crossing its arms. The shades of passing couples multiplying fixedly, alarmingly, the park suddenly a carnival of hearts on this hungry night of August, everyone precariously clothed, imprisoned at this hour between talking and making love. And this is the miracle of cities. All afraid of dying and so needing motion near; needing, and finding. Dresses flapping softly; the El, roaring its consent.
The night, the night, and summer’s fear of fall.
And yet.
We think of existence as fragile. The entirety of eschatological and moral discourse is defined by this recognition. And yet neglected is the almost incomprehensible power of memory to eradicate reality. Totally. To transform itself into a great destroyer of worlds, arriving suddenly like some handsome second cousin of the abyss come to rearrange the fundamental moorings of the cosmos.
Because on that night my happy little ember of urbanitas—brownstones and youth and babushkas all—was doused remorselessly by the remembered glimpse of a pair of empty stilettos collapsed ownerless next to someone’s front door. And for a complete ten seconds the heartrending memory of a bedroom four hundred miles away assembled itself at the indisputable center of the known universe, all the rest of creation arrayed like a distant satellite in a sad loose orbit of this presence, this protuberance, this one true god.
The last great courtroom of desire.
We don’t find memories that strong. They find us. And for those of us for whom the quest for an afterlife seems a little morally transparent, the presence of memory becomes the last most sacred of secular beatitudes. And it’s a worship with which we are already familiar, absurdly manifest everywhere in culture, in pictures, in paintings, in those stories we tell a million times, those million-time mythologies of our lives told so often that it’s commonly concealed that nothing of the original sensory matter remains, often only an assembled configuration of probationary approximations clinging loosely to facts safely established in the casual public of our minds. Yet we persist.
Memory is everywhere because memory is how we stop time; memory is how we live forever.
But time is never truly stopped. And we never live forever, and the Second City will always reassemble itself around you, reconstituting that bench where you sit alone on that dying night in August. Days pass and end. This much is certain and inevitable. To this end, our memories are perfectly powerless, no matter how bound they are to the very reality of the human soul.
But to quote Proust—we have as hostages these divine captives who will follow and share our fate. And death in their company is somehow less bitter, less inglorious, and perhaps even less probable.
The water giggling. History crossing its arms. Dresses flapping softly, and the El roaring its consent. These words are all that remain.
And yet.
I sat alone in a park as the sun nosed below a row of brownstones, throwing everything in progressive layers of night, the immediately local activity now cloaked in mere suggestion. Nearby, someone playing Frisbee in a geyser of affable obscenities. Five murmuring babushkas on the bench next to me, a Polish gaggle of dowagers and spinsters helping busy up the fountain square, their collaboration lasting well after dark. The water giggling. History crossing its arms. The shades of passing couples multiplying fixedly, alarmingly, the park suddenly a carnival of hearts on this hungry night of August, everyone precariously clothed, imprisoned at this hour between talking and making love. And this is the miracle of cities. All afraid of dying and so needing motion near; needing, and finding. Dresses flapping softly; the El, roaring its consent.
The night, the night, and summer’s fear of fall.
And yet.
We think of existence as fragile. The entirety of eschatological and moral discourse is defined by this recognition. And yet neglected is the almost incomprehensible power of memory to eradicate reality. Totally. To transform itself into a great destroyer of worlds, arriving suddenly like some handsome second cousin of the abyss come to rearrange the fundamental moorings of the cosmos.
Because on that night my happy little ember of urbanitas—brownstones and youth and babushkas all—was doused remorselessly by the remembered glimpse of a pair of empty stilettos collapsed ownerless next to someone’s front door. And for a complete ten seconds the heartrending memory of a bedroom four hundred miles away assembled itself at the indisputable center of the known universe, all the rest of creation arrayed like a distant satellite in a sad loose orbit of this presence, this protuberance, this one true god.
The last great courtroom of desire.
We don’t find memories that strong. They find us. And for those of us for whom the quest for an afterlife seems a little morally transparent, the presence of memory becomes the last most sacred of secular beatitudes. And it’s a worship with which we are already familiar, absurdly manifest everywhere in culture, in pictures, in paintings, in those stories we tell a million times, those million-time mythologies of our lives told so often that it’s commonly concealed that nothing of the original sensory matter remains, often only an assembled configuration of probationary approximations clinging loosely to facts safely established in the casual public of our minds. Yet we persist.
Memory is everywhere because memory is how we stop time; memory is how we live forever.
But time is never truly stopped. And we never live forever, and the Second City will always reassemble itself around you, reconstituting that bench where you sit alone on that dying night in August. Days pass and end. This much is certain and inevitable. To this end, our memories are perfectly powerless, no matter how bound they are to the very reality of the human soul.
But to quote Proust—we have as hostages these divine captives who will follow and share our fate. And death in their company is somehow less bitter, less inglorious, and perhaps even less probable.
The water giggling. History crossing its arms. Dresses flapping softly, and the El roaring its consent. These words are all that remain.
And yet.
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